January 24, 2001

Dear mom,

The 'other' mom. The 'adoptive' mom. The one who was supposed to want me.

Did you start with good intentions? I don't think so. Even on the application form I can see you looking ahead to the well trained and always accessible maid and babysitter - or maybe we should just call it 'slave'.

I don't really remember you much at all from my infancy. My first really clear memories of you are from somewhere about 5 years old. I guess that isn't surprising since you were either out crusading for your *special* child (not me, of course) and trying to prove to the world how amazing you were, or you were at home laying on the couch or in bed so high on Valium that you couldn't have cared if I was alive or dead.

All I remember of childhood is dirty diapers (you still brag about how easily and how early I 'potty trained'... you even comment on how I seemed to be the one wanting to do it - do you really blame me???), empty stomachs and endless loneliness.

You brag now about what a good and quiet baby I was... why don't you also tell people what you did to me if I cried - or even if I laughed??!!

I deserved better. I am more than a replacement. I am more than a babysitter. I am more than your entertainment. I am more than a slave.

I was supposed to be a member of your family.

You have said so many times "I did my best". Firstly, I believe you were capable of MUCH better! Secondly, if that truly was your best then it simply wasn't good enough and you should never, ever have had children!

Children are not supposed to be used to fill your needs. You bring a child into your life when you know you have it inside you already to give them what they need to grow into happy and healthy people. You had NOTHING to give. All you ever did was take! I still don't know where we found it all to give. I do know that it cost us dearly and we are still paying.

It has been hard to let go of you. I still haven't in some ways. But at least I know now that I will NEVER get from you what I need (like love, caring, security, stability, compassion) and that if I want a good life *I* need to move on and go out and find myself a family who WILL accept and love me just for being who and what I am.

Sometimes I am mad at you. More often I am hurt. I am tired of giving and giving to you and never getting anything back. My energy is precious and I have started using it in places and with people that mean something to me.

I am NOT your daughter. I am NOT grateful for being 'saved'. I DO NOT owe you anything!

You owe me... and *I* owe me.

Ashee