January 22, 2001

Dear mom,

Some days I love you very much. Some days I just miss you. Today I am angry at you.

Much of the time I think I am stupid for thinking ANYTHING about you. I don't even know if you ever wanted me or if you ever felt anything for that tiny life growing inside you. For all I know you hated me and what I was doing to your life and your future.

I am mad because I can only guess at what you knew and what you may have believed. Did you know I would be put in a series of 'Holding Houses' where people were told NOT to interact too much with the newborn baby so it wouldn't form any attachments before it could be adopted? Did you know they would lie on the forms to hide my heritage and make me more 'adoptable'? Did you know they would give me to a family more interested in a live in maid and babysitter than a daughter?

Probably not. But you were the only one I had! The only one I could count on to take care of me and make sure I had a chance at a good life.

I am mad at you because sometimes I feel I would have had a better life if you had kept me, no matter how young or ill-prepared you were. I am mad at you because sometimes I truly wish you had opted for an abortion. I am mad that you have never made yourself available to me.

I am mad because I have nothing to call my own. I have no family, no heritage, no history.

I am mad because it takes all my energy and willpower to even entertain the idea that I could be loved or even that I am in any way lovable. I have spent my whole life trying to please everyone around me in the hope that they just wouldn't leave me. I have tried over and over to be *perfect* so that I could feel that someone, somewhere, someday might love me and want me.

And of course I feel guilty every time I get mad. Even though I don't know who you are and have no idea if you could ever care for me I still worry that I am alienating you with my very thoughts.

I have done a lot of stupid things to try and 'fit in' and be loved and accepted... and I have caused myself a lot of grief with my neediness and desperation. Most of the time I put the blame in the right place and know it was MY actions and MY decisions that caused all of that... but occasionally I can't help but want to blame YOU for abandoning me and leaving me to a life bereft of anything beyond the basics of subsistence.

I am always lonely. Even in a crowd. Even around people who say they like me and who behave as my friends. I am always waiting for them to vanish... because I KNOW they will.

I miss the mom I never had. I miss the childhood I never had. I miss the security that every child born into this world is entitled to.

Today, mom, I am angry with you.

baby girl __________